Lorde, Billie Eilish, Run the Jewels, Phoebe Bridgers, Glass Islands, Future Islands, St. Vincent, Fleet Foxes, Leon Bridges, CHVRCES, Ty Segall, Halsey and many more. All my new favorites from the past couple years.
music.apple.com/us/playlist/quarantine-2020-2021/pl.u-e98lkMmUW0D4PR
I’ve finally finished my doctorate and landed a tenure track job and had a little time to reflect on the past seven years. I process everything best by writing and now that I’ve defended my dissertation, I am able to write again. More than anything, I hope that everyone that happens to read this gains something valuable. The transition from Master’s student to PhD student, from TX to IL, was strange and difficult. Now I’m moving from Texas to Florida, advancing from PhD candidate to Associate Professor, in a week. For the second time in the past decade, I am starting over again in a new state where I know no one, by myself. I started this blog 3 months after beginning my PhD and when I read that initial post again, I was reminded of how full of hope, wonder, and excitement I was. To an extent the last 7 years have taken quite a bit out of me that I’ll never recover. During that time, I’ve been informed by doctors that I can’t have children, gone through 4 break ups, had my electricity turned off in an apartment that was later condemned because of black mold and fire damage (I was displaced), and lost my license for a few years (long story, trying time).
When you do a PhD there’s almost never a time when you aren’t struggling academically, personally, or financially and often it’s all three at once. My initial chair went on sabbatical, so I had to assemble a new committee. It took me a year to get a single chapter approved. By the time I submitted my dissertation for publication I wrote 18 drafts of that first chapter. It took me 3 years to get my entire dissertation approved and schedule a defense. Progress is extremely slow, and it is incredibly discouraging. Financially, the stipend that universities provide their teaching assistants is definitely not enough to live on. Employment as an adjunct is precarious. I had to move back into my mother’s house 3 months before my defense, which is also weird at 36 years old. Personally, the PhD has been lonely and extremely isolating. Nearly all the friends I made moved away, graduated, got married, had children, and/or got jobs by the end of my fourth year and Texas where all my friends and family are, is of course hundreds of miles away from Illinois. Dating has been a strange disaster. More on that later. Life is on hold because you have no idea when you’ll graduate or where you’ll be in the next 2 years. COVID exacerbated the isolation and stagnation. Between the stress of defending my dissertation, applying for academic jobs in a COVID job market, preparing for interviews, fixing my license, and finding a new place to live in Panama City, I’ve been pretty stressed.
I’ve been working toward becoming a doctor and a professor for a decade and this should be a really amazing and joyful time. It has been a happy and exciting time, but primarily I just feel burnt out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually burnt out. My parents are suggesting I get a second job to supplement my income even though I’ve got a 5/5 teaching load this coming academic year. Friends and family don’t understand that graduate school is a job. That a dissertation is a book. It is real work and it is valuable, hard work. Dating… I’m so inured and numb to the disappointment, artifice, heartache, sadness, isolation, and absurdity that it’s frightening. I’ve come to expect it, though I know it’s not the only reality. I’ve tried for 16 years to find someone who wants to stay, who can understand, and I have precious little to show for it except a decade and a half of memories I’d rather forget. Millenial dating culture makes an authentic, enduring connection nearly impossible. Forgive me if I’m not optimistic about my prospects but I am so unbelievably fucking tired of trying. I’ve watched it happen for my exes, my exes’ exes, my exes’ siblings, my friends, and my family. It’s draining to say the least.
I’m writing not to complain or elicit empathy, but to gain perspective before beginning again in one week in a new city. I’m so grateful that I was able to secure a tenure track position in the current academic job market (and on the beach!!!). I’m grateful for my parents, sisters, and best friend Ashley for supporting me through these difficult transitions. I’m grateful for new beginnings. There is no shortage of horror stories and criticism surrounding academia on twitter and the internet. Toxic. Exploitative. Academia is broken in many ways, but I have to acknowledge the fact that school was often the only constant good thing in my life. School gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and to continue. I’ve gained a strength, a confidence, a belief in myself, and a sense of self that I did not have before that will stay with me. The future is much more certain now, but I am still so glad that so much of what lays ahead of me remains unwritten.
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Honestly, most graduate students spend most of their time isolated, studying and writing, and I am no different. Not much has changed for me since quarantine began. However, I’m definitely feeling the effects just like everyone. I live alone with my two wiener dogs. Thank goodness I have their company! The hardest part of being a PhD student that I was least prepared for was the isolation. Often even people in your own department don’t know much about your specific research focus which can lead you to wonder what the value of your work is. Graduate students aren’t generally super social either. The quarantine has definitely exacerbated this sense of isolation for me exponentially which is quite disillusioning. I feel disassociated from my dissertation committee and my family and friends. On the other hand, many people I haven’t spoken to in a while have reached out to me online to say hello which probably wouldn’t have happened had they not felt the same sense of isolation because of the pandemic. Mandated social distancing has made me feel less like a super nerd because everyone is at home so suddenly it’s necessary and not uncool. Basically, I’ve been training for this my whole life.
Initially, I felt encouraged because of the increase in uninterrupted time to work on the last chapter of my dissertation and edits to other chapters. I am an introvert and enjoy my own company and need time to refuel. My productivity increased. I was able to keep more regular work hours and I felt more accomplished. As the weeks continued though, I began to feel drained because even I need a little time away from myself – a night out. The uncertainty of the pandemic really, really exacerbated the uncertainty of my living situation, my current and future employment, and most distressingly graduation and completing my dissertation. It’s been a slow journey working to get my first chapter approved. I don’t deal well with ambiguity and it’s nearly impossible to plan for a future when I’m unsure when I’ll graduate, and where and how I’ll live. Not knowing when the pandemic will begin to subside and the increased isolation has been making me even more despondent about my future and my dissertation project.
It felt as though my life was on hold before the pandemic and now it absolutely feels as though the entire world is on hold. I know for some of you who do research in the sciences, carrying out research projects that take years in the lab, have really experienced a significantly discouraging setback, so in that respect I’m fortunate. I’m in the English department so my research hasn’t been put on hold. During quarantine I’ve received 3 rejection e-mails from universities. I spent October – February sending out applications for tenure track positions. That has not helped. I follow higher education news sources like The Chronicle of Higher Education and Inside Higher Ed and many academics on Twitter and have heard a great deal about the cutting of funding and jobs that will result because of the pandemic and this keeps me awake at night. Communication with my committee has slowed down quite a bit and this also keeps me awake at night.
I miss interacting with my students and watching breakthroughs happen. I have a group that is so engaged and eager to discuss difficult and important issues this semester and I really miss creating knowledge and seeking truth in the classroom. I’ve done my best to transition to an online environment with PowerPoint and Blackboard and Zoom, but I’ll never feel as though I know enough about online instruction to do enough. I’m being as flexible as possible with students and doing what I can to be there for them because we’re counselors too, but e-mails have increased and I do fall behind.
So… how am I combatting the anxiety and uncertainty during Covid19?
Whether you use this time to organize your life and be super productive, or whether you use this time to be still, there’s no right way to adjust and it’s important to know that soon life will begin to return to normal and you’re doing just fine.
1. Recognize that even making a decision to go back to school is hard and give yourself credit.
2. Decide to commit to graduating and dedicating time and effort to this opportunity to better yourself. Higher education isn’t an option for everyone.
3. Celebrate each small success. Send a 4th draft of your 1st dissertation chapter to your chair? Celebrate. Finish a term paper? Celebrate. Submit to a journal? Celebrate. Document it. Love the process.
3. Depression drains you of motivation, energy, will, desire, and causes you to doubt yourself and lose interest in pursuits, keep a journal. Write in it everyday what you did, thoughts, things you need to get done, anything. I keep a bullet journal. Depression makes me you feel as though nothing you do matters because nothing will change and I am a victim of forces beyond my control. A bullet journal is a space of your own to visualize how life is changing for the better and to visualize how much control you do have over your life despite circumstances.
4. Consider speaking with a psychologist if need be. Campuses provide access to services. Don’t be afraid to communicate and ask for help. Some may treat you different. Some might not be able to completely relate, but it will help when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Graduate students often struggle academically, financially, and emotionally.
5. Get one important thing done a day to make progress on your schoolwork. This will help to alleviate depression because you feel productive and worthwhile. Feeling you haven’t wasted the day goes a long way toward elevating mood. Don’t feel guilty for not getting enough done. Guilt and anxiety will paralyze you and you’ll let all the work pile up until it all seems too overwhelming.
6. It’s really important to have a comfy space that is safe and reflects who you are that is all your own. Make your bedroom a haven, but don’t be afraid to leave it to work somewhere that’s more free from distraction. Candles. String lights. Lamps.
7. Remind yourself why you are in school often. It will give you a purpose and a reason for getting up in the morning and getting started.
8. Exercise – even walking a mile a day to begin with – does wonders to help combat feelings of depression for me. You’ll gain more self worth and enjoy an endorphin boost. It’s not a miracle worker but you will feel good about the direction your life is going if you make this positive change. Being able to say you got up and did it will give you confidence. Better yet, it clears your head and problems don’t seem so big anymore. Your mental strength will increase.
8. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else – students, friends, family – don’t do it! Measure yourself against your own efforts and progress.
9. Create. Set aside time each week to do something creative that you love.
10. Remember that there’s no absolute fix and that is alright. It’s a battle everyday. Decide to fight. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
11. Treat yourself to something nice every week too. Reward yourself. Begin to take joy in little things that you used to love again. For me it was watching a movie or reading a book I didn’t have to read for class and listening to a new album.
12. Commit to getting better. This means monitoring your inner dialogue and making sure you’re speaking kindly to yourself. It’s called self-talk.
13. Cut your school work into manageable chunks and make a schedule. Don’t beat yourself up if your not able to stick to it, but knowing exactly how much work you have to do and how much time you have to do it keeps you from becoming overwhelmed. I am awful at time management. My bullet journal helps. Give yourself study breaks. Make studying more enjoyable with music, scenery, coffee…
14. Lastly, remember if you have a day where you feel you are completely failing, you will wake up the next day feeling differently. This semester will pass. Problems are temporary, but the degree isn’t. No problem is ever as big as it seems. It’s alright to break down and be overwhelmed. Just don’t stay there.
-Tiffany
This year my resolutions update is over a month late. I’m blaming field exams. My dissertation director and I set up a timeline today, so this may be the last time I have to blog for a while. 2015 and 2016 were rough. 2017 brought many positive changes. I was asked to help edit Penn State’s Style journal with Dr. Knapp, my application to help organize NIU’s literature conference, MCLLM, was accepted, I joined the First Year Composition Committee, and my abstract to present at the Society for the Study of Southern Literature’s conference was accepted. In August, I finally submitted an article over Sherwood Anderson’s, Winesburg, Ohio to the Journal of the Short Story (Belmont University, Nashville, TN) https://the-line-up.com/netflix-true-crime-documentaries-stream. I’m still waiting for them to make their editorial decision… 2017 was my bravest, most proactive, progressive year professionally and personally.
I accomplished more to further my career and lead a fulfilling life in 2017 than I have since I entered the PhD program in the fall of 2014. My last semester of classes. My first publication. My last semester teaching. So many firsts and lasts. I began 2018 with the same momentum. The resolutions or goals for 2018 I made for myself in December were; 1. Crush my field exams 2. Write and defend my Dissertation Prospectus 3. Attempt to publish two other articles I’ve written over Whitman and Kate Chopin 4. Get hired with Upward Bound for Summer ‘18 5. Get hired with the Thesis and Dissertation Office Fall ’18 6. Win a Fellowship Grant. I’ve passed my field exams. I met with my dissertation chair this afternoon to speak about drafting a proposal. I’ve picked appropriate journals as venues for both my articles (Mississippi Quarterly http://www.missq.msstate.edu/, Louisiana Literature http://www.louisianaliterature.org , and Whitman Quarterly http://ir.uiowa.edu/wwqr/). I interviewed with Upward Bound January 31st and am still awaiting the director’s decision. I drafted a cover letter to apply for an assistantship opportunity with the Thesis and Dissertation Office this evening to send to the director to express my interest. Within the next 3-4 months I’ll be applying for three grants related to my dissertation research interests: Carson McCullers https://researchfunding.duke.edu/marguerite-and-lamar-smith-fellowship-writers-and-musicians, Eudora Welty http://www.mdah.ms.gov/new/news/2018-eudora-welty-research-fellowship/ , and the 2019 Junior Schriber Scholar Award https://foundation.myniu.com/article.html?aid=254 ).
A goal of mine I set for myself last January, volunteering, more than anything else, helped me to move past the first two difficult years of the PhD. A year later I’m still volunteering at TAILS Humane Society. The most accurate measure of a person’s worth and character is the way in which they treat those who can do nothing for them. You get just as much out of working with animals or any charity as you put into it. Not because you are able to better appreciate what you’ve been given and your situation in life, I’ve never believed another’s misfortune should cause comfort, but because it gives you an opportunity to give without expectation, to help to alleviate suffering, without focusing on your own. The PhD has been the most mentally and emotionally draining experience of my life that I’ve ever put myself through. Volunteering fortifies the spirit. I also resolved a year ago, January 2017, to keep a bullet journal. Every time I felt out of control and powerless, I filled out my planner and looked at the upcoming week to assess where I was going and where I’ve been. This would motivate me to complete one task on my list leaving me with peace of mind that I’d accomplished what I could for that day. I’ll be able to look back on it for years to come. Of course, I’ve also kept my resolution to strengthen my body as well by keeping up my commitment to schedule enough time to devote to cardio each week. New work out clothes help. If mind, body, and spirit aren’t all working together toward your resolutions, it’s difficult to succeed.
I’m pretty overwhelmed now as I reflect on last year and the year ahead. I’ll be on the job market next semester and become Dr. Tiffany the semester after that, Spring ’19. I’m unbelievably grateful for all the changes, all the obstacles and difficulties, and all the successes.
1.Sleep Well Beast – The National: This is the seventh release by these Midwestern Ohioans. Sleep Well Beast is much more rhythmic and melodic than previous albums. Elegant melancholia. Berninger’s vocals are despondent as ever in the punk tradition as is the subject matter, death and disillusionment. An infusion of pop against an electronic landscape. Verses are much more distinct from bridges and choruses in this album reflecting arc and direction. Berninger employs a lower register at the edge of his vocal ability with less control.
2. A Deeper Understanding – The War on Drugs: This is the fourth release for this Philly Indie rock band. Grandaluciel’s worn and wistful vocals combined with floating synthesized backgrounds create a reverie which is far sweeter and less cerebral than their previous offering, Lost in the Dream. The band’s characteristic instrumental interludes never feel indulgent or weigh down the ambient, kaleidoscopic direction of the airy melodies. The lyrics are conventionally limited to basic conceits of long nights, rising dawns and love lost in tracks like “Holding On.”
3. Crack – Up – Fleet Foxes: This is the band’s third album, and the first released after Helplessness Blues without drummer and vocalist, Josh Tillman. Crack – Up is much less whimsical, though it contains the same intricate harmonies and intimate textured landscapes. Complex and ambitious folk composition on a cosmic scale set against an earthy textured landscape and galloping guitars. The writing is authentic and self-aware. Pecknold retreats inward, drawing upon mythological figures such as naiads, female nature spirits and locations remote in time and space in Memphis (ancient Egypt). Memphis of course, could refer to the deep south. References to Cassius could refer to Cassius Clay, or the Roman senator responsible for the assassination of Julius Caesar. These American connections to the ancient past, stop short of commenting on the present political turmoil. Melodies reminiscent of the Beach Boys infuse each track with hypnotic sunniness. Though dense with historical and literary references Pecknold’s consciousness is internal and not global. The title is inspired by a self-destructive essay by the same name Fitzgerald wrote in 1936 and published in Esquire Magazine. The writer reflects upon his self-imposed isolation.
4. Masseduction – St. Vincent. This is the fifth studio album from OK native Annie Clark. Masseduction is deeply personal Pop Art packaged in a shiny veneer. Clark’s slinky vocals paired with manic synth noir is distinctive as ever. This time around however, Masseduction bites back hard. The lyrics are scathingly nihilistic. Clark adopts Pop Punk feminist themes like sexist costumes and commodification and unflinchingly combines them with distorted rhythms and confrontational melodies. The result is self-destructive obliteration that’s enticing and addictive.
5. Saturation III – Brockhampton This rap “boy band,” a big group of Texans (San Marcos) tackles issues of identity in a way that’s distinctly their own. Self-deprecating lyrics find redemption and re-definition in rhymes. What emerges is a distinct voice unapologetically raised in celebration of self-actualization. Each track is a parable filled with learning experiences. Multiple references to One Direction reflect their desire to redefine the genre and challenge prevailing views toward gender/sexuality/race. The group is so coherent, transitioning between and sharing lines easily, it’s impossible to isolate specific members. Abstract is overtly open about sexuality. These guys are fearless, triumphant rule changers.
6. american dream – LCD Soundsystem
7. DAMN. – Kendrick Lamar
8. Slowdive – Slowdive
9. Pure Comedy – Father John Misty
10. I See You – The xx
11. No Shape – Perfume Genius
12. Everything Now- Arcade Fire
13. Hot Thoughts – Spoon
14. Painted Ruins – Grizzly Bear
15. Hang – Foxygen
16. Relaxer – Δ (alt-J)
17. Wonderful Wonderful – The Killers
18. How Did We Get So Dark? – Royal Blood
A Moon Shaped Pool – Radiohead
I Had a Dream That You Were Mine – Hamilton Leithauser and Rostam
Blond – Frank Ocean
Teens of Denial – Car Seat Headrest
22, a Million – Bon Iver
Puberty 2 – Mitski
Malibu – Anderson. Paak
My Woman – Angel Olsen
Wildflower – The Avalanches
The Colour in Anything – James Blake
Is the is Are – DIIV
Painting With – Animal Collective
Human Performance – Parquet Courts
Adore Life – Savages
1. A 19th Century Classic – published between 1800 and 1899.
Middlemarch, George Eliot (1872)
2. A 20th Century Classic – published between 1900 and 1967.
As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner (1930)
3. A classic by a female author –
To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
4. A classic in translation –
Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert
5. A classic published before 1800 –
The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli (1532)
6. A work of the Romantic tradition (Keats, Byron, Shelley, Blake, Coleridge, Wordsworth …) –
Manfred, George Gordon Byron
7. A work of the Gothic tradition –
The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
8. A Russian Classic –
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
9. A work of the Modernist tradition –
The Wasteland, T.S. Eliot
Winesburg, Ohio, Sherwood Anderson
10. Literary Realism –
East of Eden, John Steinbeck
The road back is long and ugly. Nothing transcendent when you finally get there. Just gratitude. Still dealing with the repercussions (financial, emotional …) of the past two years, which have been the most difficult and horrible of my 32. Shopping. Alcohol. I didn’t see the value in existence any longer. I wished I could just simply not exist. I let it kill me. I wanted it to, and it did, but only the part of me that needed to die. The isolation of academia. Self-imposed isolation. All great things are profoundly lonely. Everyone understands the significance of their loneliness differently. Myself, I understand it too acutely. It’s deep seeded, underneath the skin, impossible to access, impossible to eradicate. Too much consciousness is a disease. Abstraction creates a void into which the spirit sinks and delves. So you keep digging. Why so alone? Why for so long? Answers which never come. Loss of interest. Loss of focus. Medication. The reality is not loss, though. I lost nothing and gained invaluable self-worth, insight, and understanding. What matters though, more than anything that went wrong (read: everything) is being willing to speak and being willing to try. I won’t abuse empty verbs like hope and believe, which don’t mean much to someone who’s struggling. Choose to be. Then choose to be more. Choose. We all choose the wrong friends, lovers, responses, and we all have different wrong choices to make, but we all have to choose. Choose. Choose you. You have the power to decide at any moment this is not the ending to your story. You have the power to decide and you’ll have to keep deciding on yourself over and over again.
Woman of Letters 